


Silence, Art and Grief

by ValentineTrippy



Category: Linkin Park
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 06:41:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15551907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValentineTrippy/pseuds/ValentineTrippy
Summary: Mike's emotions, Hollywood bowl and Abrielle (Abba). PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME IF I SHOULD CONTINUE!!





	1. Chapter 1

As I sit in a room full of people I feel the most alone but I have a smile on my face.  
It is a miracle that I am in this dressing room today, it is a miracle that I didn’t quit this all together but I really can’t music is the only therapist that I have opened up to.

Anna have taken me with her to therapist visits and her therapist tried to talk to me and I couldn’t get a word out because art was easier than speaking my mind with someone my wife knew for a long time.

All Anna’s therapist did was watch me draw, because I remembered the therapist asked what I did when I felt any different emotion and she said he loves to draw and she asked her what happened for me to feel like this and I could hear the sentence, his friend passed away from suicide.

Anna left the house for a second and I could read her lips and she said that she felt helpless for what I was feeling because she knew that herself and me wasn’t feeling the same thing and that Chester was a very good friend to her and a brother to me.  
She came back inside and I looked at the other side of the room and she told me that I was coming to a therapist visit with her.  
Now I am in a dressing room that me and Chester have shared once or twice, I forgot my belt and license home on purpose because I felt like the world was out to get me and if I had nothing for it to take me with it won’t take me.

 

Tonight is going to be hard and I know it 100% but I can’t get it that when I go on stage Chester’s microphone won’t be on stage and most importantly Chester won’t be there.

I just can’t wrap my head around it. The time that I spent backstage was time for calming myself down but maybe today was the day that I let out a tear on stage and it would be okay.

The stage suddenly felt forbidden like it was a place that was marked off by police tape but it wasn’t it was a concert.  
I see pictures of Chester everywhere and my skin is crawling, I never meant to make a song reference it just happened that's all.  
People asked me how I was and of course I only stared unable to say how I was doing because I didn’t want to lie.  
The show was the longest one we have done ever it was three hours long.  
When I sat on the couch in the green room after the show I held Anna’s hand and fell asleep.  
Anna comforted me because I trusted her with all my heart.

The next morning I woke up at four a o’clock and I looked at the ceiling I stood up and went to the kitchen and Abba was in the kitchen getting a glass of water. All I said was Abrielle what are you doing up.  
All she said was that Jojo wanted a cup of water so she said that she would get it for her.  
Abba didn’t say anything when I called her her full name and called Johannah by her nickname.  
I asked Abrielle if she wanted to get a milkshake with me and she said yes. I left Anna a note and we were off.  
I put on my glasses and a hat and a scarf that someone gifted me with to help with people taking photos of me with flash.  
Me and Abrielle went to McDonalds to get a milkshake not caring that it was four o’clock in the morning.  
We went through the drive through.  
It feels good to spend time with Abrielle but I still somehow felt guilty.


	2. Chapter 2

Spending time with my children helps me in a way and at the same time makes me feel like I am trying to forget him.

I make an effort to hang out with the band but there is a place clearly empty that cannot be filled.  
Grief to me is about acceptance not tolerance, I can tolerate that he is gone and just survive until I meet him one day or I can accept that he is gone and at peace with himself.

I need to accept that and know that it will take time because rushing things makes things fall apart instead of feel better.

When I started writing songs and painting after I got over the fear of him not coming in here again.  
When I first got in the studio again I didn’t care if the songs were no good I just needed to create something.  
The songs started to sound like songs that I would put out I talked to the label.

Talinda called me and asked if me, Anna and the kids wanted to come over for supper I said yes. Otis, Johannah and Abrielle have asked when we are going over to the Bennington’s again and I just looked at Anna because I didn’t really have an answer at the time.  
When I told the kids they were excited.

When we got there Otis helped Jojo and Abba out of their carseats, they are still in car seats at almost 4 instead of booster seats because they were premature and still small.  
When we walked in the house my mind tried to fool me that Chester would come out any moment but Chester never lived in this house.

I say hello to Talinda and the kids. I just wanted to feel normal but everything was still fresh.  
I know that I shouldn’t rush things but I always do the wrong thing instead of having patience.

I get lost in my own head for a little while till Abrielle wants me to play a game with her, Johannah, Lily and Lila.  
I followed my sweet Abrielle to Lily and Lila’s bedroom and they were playing a game and wanted me to join them.

After about twenty minutes I excused myself to go to the bathroom, not because I needed to use the bathroom but because everyone around me is reminding me of Chester and today is a very painful day of grief, I guess the reminders really do pull the floor from my feet.

This was the moment that I walked out of the bathroom and went into the living room and got my phone and listened to the song and cried myself to sleep without even being tired.

I woke up with dry eyes, a blanket on top of me and a headache. Of course I left my contact case at my house.  
I was going to clean out the case when I took them off tonight. I can’t just throw away the lenses that I have on because I replace my contacts monthly and I just replaced my contacts.

Anna went back to the house and got my contact case and I put my contacts in the solution and put on my glasses on and it was time for dinner.

Talinda prepared chicken and mashed potatoes, gravy was optional but I never chose it, I didn’t take any chicken either because I didn’t feel up to it. I haven’t eaten meat since before July 19th.  
The thought of meat makes me think of him.

I can’t even look at anything yellow because that was the colour that I have seen him with for the past ten years. Pink is his favorite colour and always will be in my head when I see the colour that was made by red and white.

After dinner we all put our dishes in the dishwasher and go to the couch and sit down together.  
Talinda has Abrielle in her lap and Johannah is right next to me.  
Lily and Tyler are cuddled together, Lila is next to Anna.  
We are all on the big couch in the Bennington living room.  
I started to fall asleep because just like the hollywood bowl greenroom Anna’s hand holding mine made me feel safe.

I seem to take anything that I can to feel safe these days because safety is comfort and comfort is most of the time not constant when tragedy strikes.  
This was when I was awoken by a whisper from a voice that I missed.  
Then I seen Chester and panicked. Anna looked at me and asked me what was wrong and I was tongue tied and all I could get out was Ches, Ches, Ches. Johannah and Abrielle were in Lily and Lila’s room asleep and Otis was in Tyler room asleep so my children are not seeing their father see their no longer alive uncle.

All Anna did at this point was rub my hand whisper things, put a blanket on me and kissed me and all of it worked eventually and I was out like a light.

I wake up to a quiet house and I was the first one awake and all I did was go on my phone for a bit, I suddenly feel guilt because if I was on my phone at the time he could have called me.

When everyone gets up we all get ready we all have a change of clothes at the bennington's house. Johannah and Abrielle fit into Lily and Lila’s hand-me-downs and Otis fits into Tyler’s hand-me-downs. I have a few outfits at Talinda’s because I have left something here almost every time I stayed the night.

I got dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. I went into the bathroom to put in my contacts. I put my glasses back in their case.

We went out to breakfast together not caring if we would get pictures taken of us because we shouldn’t have to isolate our children just because the media is rude.

We have fun together and my grief won’t give me a break. Talinda looked at me and said,

“Mike suicide is nobody’s fault, Chester is at peace with himself now he has no more demons torturing him. I miss him like crazy too, just take your time Mike if you let it swallow you it will”.


End file.
